Christmas 2004: Dancing Toward Significance
by ajremix
Summary: A is for the Acceptance that there is something better ahead. Rifts can be mended one step at a time.


Dancing Toward Significance  
Fruits Basket

Sometimes it's amazing. How can two people, so utterly different, be from the same family? How can two people- whose only connection is merely physical -be of the same blood? How can someone like me look upon a man like that and not be disgusted?

And yet, how can two people- equally different -be such close friends?

I never really hated nisan. He's just.... difficult. He never listens, he doesn't understand, and yet he tries so hard. In a way, it's sort of inspiring. Sometimes I think: 'if I can reach out, just a little, maybe I can feel like he's my brother. Maybe....everything will be all right'.

And then he does something I hate.

Hatori-sensei likes him though. They grew up together, he, nisan and Shigure. I feel kind of bad for Hatori-sensei.

'But,' Shigure told me once, 'I feel kind of jealous. Even though the three of us were always together, even though I always had so much fun with Aya, he and Ha-san had something between them that I couldn't touch. Because Aya respects Ha-san because Ha-san has what he lacks. And Aya has what Ha-san lacks.'

Before when I thought of it, seeing things someone else has, something that you want too, I thought all you could do was be jealous. And yet, somehow, they're friends.

I know sometimes nisan wishes he could be considerate and revered like Hatori-sensei. I don't honestly think Hatori-sensei wishes he could be as gregarious as nisan, but somehow.... he doesn't seem as annoyed by him as everyone else. Sometimes, to me, his eyes seem like they smile whenever nisan is with him.

And I always wonder: What can I do to get that same feeling?

The New Year is coming again. Another year that he would dance and another year he'd have to face the entirety of his family again. Well, no, scratch that. The past couple of times he hadn't stayed at the house for too long. He and Kyou, anyway.

He tries to frown at the thought of his family and Akito and the dumb cat, but…. He just can't feel it anymore. It all seems just too, well, just not worth the effort. It feels like his entire life was one vicious circle inside another and he was tired of being- to use the proverbial –the mouse running the wheel.

Yuki pushes away from the window that overlooks the dreary gray carpeting the sky. Heavy and oppressive and he waits for it to open up and snow. Or storm. He shivers around the blanket about his shoulders, resisting the urge to curl in a corner and hope someone would find him.

He hates these kinds of days.

His name is called from downstairs. Dinner, according to the time and smell, was ready. Grateful for the diversion, Yuki lets the blanket fall to his bed, the soft sounds of his slippers following him out of his room.

Sometimes I get so tired of being angry.

But, sometimes, it seems like the only thing I have in me.

I've heard people say that we've been getting along better. They all say it's because of her. Hn, I wouldn't doubt it. She has a way of calming people. She knows what to say and there's something about her that makes you want to listen.

She always seems more attached to him and I get a little jealous. He knows how to treat girls the way they seem to like most and I get a little jealous. Momiji can say anything he wants around her and gets a way with it and.... sometimes I get a little jealous.

Because he can say things so openly and I'm still struggling to sort everything out in my head that by the time I think I get it, it's too late.

She's so nice to everyone and everyone thinks she's an idiot. Well, she is a little, but....

That makes me mad.

It's quiet at that meal. It's been quiet the passed few meals. Not that Shigure could complain, after a while, having to fix or replace tables broken by Kyo's wire-thin temper gets to be expensive. But Tohru just babbles uselessly- more than usual, really –to fill up the silence that was part uncomfortable and part tense.

They are both thinking of something, but Shigure wasn't sure about what. But then Yuki looks up and he considers thoughtfully and then something in his eyes clears. And suddenly the air also clears up slightly and there's a lightness around the boy that Shigure was glad to see.

But Kyo sits and eats quietly in the dark of his preoccupation.

It's dangerous for him to go to the compound, so his instinct tells him. But this wasn't the sort of conversation he could have over the phone. It is too important. It means too much to too many people. He was just thankful it didn't take long to find her.

"I'm not sure...." She twists her hands together.

"Please, it's the only time he'd be able to."

"You know how important this is."

"I know."

"You know what would happen-"

"I know!" He cuts in a little too sharply. "I'd know better than anyone."

She looks down. "It's not that I don't want to help him. I just think there's a better way."

"There may be. But this is the only way he can see how everyone truly looks at him."

She's silent for a long while.

"We'll get in trouble." She finally says.

"I know."

"But I'll help."

He smiles. "I'm glad." After a pause he adds, "Now I just have to tell him."

"You mean, he doesn't know he's doing this?"

"Right now, you and I are the only ones."

"But-"

"The way I see it, he can say two things: yes and no. Either way, all it means for you is who will be on stage with you. You also have two answers: yes and no. If he agreed and you said no, it would shatter him. His confidence in being a part of this family is so thin, I couldn't bare to hurt him. Not like that. I'm sure you agree. You know how much it means to him, no matter what he may say."

".....No.... I don't want to hurt him, either."

He looks at him with wide eyes. "What?"

"Will you or won't you?"

"I- but- but….." He stammers off, uncharacteristically afraid. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because sometimes I think 'if I can reach out, just a little..... Everything will be all right."

When he looks up again his eyes are searching. And when they find no malice or trickery and just honest intentions, the edge comes off his shoulders. "I…. All right."

Why am I doing this? I've been asking myself that for days, now. Why am I trying so desperately hard to make a fool of myself? With each step, I feel like I'm going no where, each turn seems like I'm moving backwards, each little leap I think I'm going to fall.

Why am I doing this when all it's going to do is break me?

"Yuki...."

He never heard his name called out like that before. Never from that voice.

"Yuki, I can't do this." He looks over, his eyes are wide, his pupils have dialate. A bead of sweat makes its way down the side of his face. "I changed my mind."

"It's too late." The other says. Somehow his soft voice seems even more tender.

"I can't." And in his face is a fear so pure and untouched, it's terrifying and beautiful at the same time. Never has he frozen like this before. Every obstacle he's overcome with bravado or a grudging sneer. Action is something he understood best. But here in the dark wing of the Main House, he can't even take that first step.

A pale hand is placed gently, precisely. It's a stark contrast both in pallor against the dark kimono and in the tension he can feel in his shoulders.

"The first part is almost done. You have to go out."

He stares back out the slim creak in the screen. The previous year is going into her final sweeps. Everyone is waiting for the next year to come- everyone always looks forward for this year. He looks back. He doesn't even need to say it because it's in his expression. There are so many things about this that he fears, there are so many things he thinks can go wrong, and thinks will go wrong. The strength he's had all these years, the burning determination he's fostered, the pain he's held so dear all fail him in that crucial moment.

He stands there, lost. There's nothing to support him.

"If they do not except you," that soft voice speaks in his ear, "there is already someone that will."

He looks into that gentle smile, for the first time truly meant for him, and he thinks:

'Maybe.... Everything will be all right....'

Dancing is such a girly thing. That's why guys like Momiji and Yuki are so good at it. I hate it.

Martial arts is only slightly like it. Flowing movements and a beat that you find inside yourself. That's the secret to a fight. You find your opponent's beat and you force them off their rhythm.

Dancing isn't like that, not really. You have to keep someone else's beat. You have to stay with them and you have to feel it deep inside your core, feel the waves of the seas crash with each beat, feel the thrums in the gates.

Dancing is so much different than martial arts.

And yet... it's almost freeing.

I was so afraid when I first stepped out. Especially when Haru dropped that first beat as I came to the stage. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to run and hide and forget about this, forget about the shocked and horrified faces watching me.

I looked at Kagura, I looked back at the wings.

And I danced.

It was a struggle without the hollow of the drum, but I did it as I remembered. And eventually, someone- Momiji, I think -clapped the beat out for me (he's a brat, but he's so amazingly generous, I hope he turns out like Tohru). Ayame and Kisa joined him, then others and the drum came back. That was when the yelling started, I think. But I wouldn't let it stop me. I danced because it seemed right, I danced because I didn't want to stop.

This was the first time the others looked at me and didn't see some outcast, some horrid monster in human skin. They were taking me seriously, they were watching my ability.

Even if I got in trouble afterwards, this was the moment that mattered most.

And the entire time I danced, the only thing I could think of was:

'I'm finally here.'

He should be feeling worse about this, he knows. He sits outside the gates, watching the stars gleam. The bells had long rung in Christmas Day. And somehow, with everything, he is happy. Immensely so.

After a while he figures he should go back to his home. Behind him the gate opens again. He looks up to see who it is and decides home can wait a little while longer.

"Nice night." He wants to make sure Kyo is okay, but somehow- of all the ways he can ask, none of them feels right.

"You get kicked out, too?"

"Un. I managed to convince them, though, that Kagura had nothing to do with it and danced because she thought she had to."

"Hn."

They sit and watch the skies for a while.

"Are you okay?" It feels like a foolish question.

There's a pause. Then he smiles into the night. "Yeah, actually." He turns, then, the most honest and happiest smile Yuki has ever seen graces his face. "I feel great. Thank you."

Maybe it's the smile he's never received from anyone other than her, or maybe because he's been appreciated by him for the first time. Or maybe because if he reaches out a little more, he can feel the strength and comfort from someone so different and so similar, the same strength he's been envious of for so long.

But he blushes and he smiles and plucks his fingers because he doesn't know what else to do.

Recently, sometimes it seems the only thing I know how to be is grateful. I have a place to stay, I have good food to eat, I can go to school and have people I can call friends. It's not that I don't like kindness because I'm not used to it, I just don't really understand how some people can be so kind all the time. I don't have the grace to deal with it. Kindness, compliments, people give it to me and I don't know what to do with it, so all I can do is react.

Every time I do, I always seem to hurt someone.

I hate it.

This year, I want to be honest. I want to be able to live my life and do things without regrets.

This year, I'd like people to be grateful for me.

"Ne, Yuki."

"Hm?"

"What's your wish this year?"

"I'm not going to tell you or it won't come true." He snorts. "Stupid cat."

Predictably he bristles. Then he sees the soft corners of his lips and the warmth in his eyes and suddenly... he doesn't want the strength to be angry anymore.

"I knew you weren't going to tell me." His tone is haughty. "But I wondered if you would and I don't want to think, 'I wish I at least asked'."

Yuki looks away. And he thinks. Then he turns back and his cheeks are slightly colored again. "Um.... what did you wish for?"

The other blinks. Then he comes in close with his toothy grin. "I'm not gonna tell you or it won't come true. Damn rat."

They can't help it, bursting into laughter almost at the same time. The night is cool as they lean on the gate for support.

I want us to be friends. If someone like nisan can find happiness in someone nothing like him, I want to, too. I don't want to fight anymore. You're someone I've always been envious of. You hated me and I could barely understand why. Haru was honest, so it was easy to get along with him. But you held onto your anger because it was the only thing you ever had.

I thought: if I took up martial arts, maybe you'd acknowledge me. If I got good, maybe you'd see me as someone you could like.

But instead, you hated me more and I couldn't understand why.

All I knew about you were your bad habits. But, spending so much time with you, I've learned to see your good qualities, too. At first, I was so jealous of you, so I thought I hated you, too. But the more of you I came to know, the less I wanted to hate you.

I wonder if that's how nisan felt about Hatori-sensei at first.

Maybe.... one of these days, I'll ask him.

"Eh? Really!?"

"Un."

"Kyou-kun did that?"

"Un."

"Ah!" Tohru's hands came together. "I'm so happy!"

Both boys looks at her, confused. "Ha?"

"To be able to do something like that... Did anyone get mad?"

"Mm... only Akito was really upset." Yuki shakes his head. "Everyone else seemed to like it, actually. Even if we were kicked out afterwards."

"Except Ritsu. I think he fainted."

Tohru looks from one to the other. "Was Akito-san very mad?"

"He yelled a lot, but Hatori and Shigure took him out of the room before he had a heart attack or something." Says Kyou. He seems bored, but thinking about it brings the butterflies back.

"But Kyou was surprising." Yuki smiles at Tohru and ignores Kyou's look of shock. "He danced to the finish. Even when the music stopped and all the shouting happened. He did very well for his first time."

This time Kyou is grumbling, trying to fight down the blush. "It's nothing. You and Kagura went through a lot to teach me the steps. It felt wrong not finishing."

"I wish I could've seen Kyou-kun dance. Yuki-kun, too. I'm glad everyone like it."

"Un. So am I."

Kyou turns his head, so neither of them can see his soft smile.

There are so many people in the world that share similar names and everyone is related to each other somewhere in the long, forgotten, brief span of human existence that it just doesn't matter.

Family isn't the people that share your name.

Family is the people that will except you for who you are. They are the most important things in your life. Because life isn't worth anything if there isn't anyone that can make you feel that you are someone special. Someone worth taking time for.

My family: Tohru and Shigure. Momiji and Haru and Kagura. Even the yankee and psychic girl. They're all people I treasure. People I can never give up. And that thrice-damned rat.....

Well, even someone like him I can learn to live with.


End file.
